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Claudia Zapata: Don't put blame for overeating on others Web Posted: 1/25/2008 05:51 PM CST Everybody knows a health saboteur. A health saboteur can be your mother, persuading you to have seconds or thirds; a co-worker who insists you eat birthday cake — for the fourth time that week; or perhaps a friend, who lights up when you've resolved to butt out. My saboteur is my tall and skinny husband, Sean. He's mostly supportive, but when it comes to dieting, he sabotages my every good intention. Say the jeans have been feeling too snug and we're out to dinner, and a waiter asks if we're having dessert. I'll say "No, thanks," and Sean says, "We'll have the rum cake and the chocolate torte." Even more annoying, he'll remind me he's not on a diet, eat every last bite, and lose weight by morning. I call Sean the Snack King, because most nights the guy climbs into bed armed with cookies, licorice or gummi bears. "Want one?" he asks. And while I'm grateful whenever he helps with a grocery store run, Sean will come home with a random cartful of processed food, as evidenced by the green chili and cheese crackers he brought to bed last night. Surprisingly, however, if I'm serious about my health goals, having a diet saboteur can be a good thing. Kimberly Smith-Martinez, a licensed psychologist and life coach, says, "Saboteurs are there for a reason. In a perfect world, we'd only have supportive people around us. But having someone who sets tacks in the road gives you a clear sense of how real or important a goal is for you." Blaming a saboteur for failure won't help. "Instead of saying, 'If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be in this situation,' take responsibility for your own actions," Smith-Martinez says. "Are you going to give your goal-setting power to another person and let them decide if you're going to have a cigarette or a piece of chocolate cake? Or are you going to pull some internal strings?" You'll have to practice being assertive, and tell people exactly what you need, she says. For instance, you might say to your saboteur, "I find when you offer me the chocolate bon-bons, that you're not supporting me," Smith-Martinez suggests. Oftentimes, "People don't know they're not being supportive. You may have said, 'I'm trying to lose weight,' but they didn't internalize it," she says. If you give a person a clear sense of what you need, they're much more able to comply, Smith-Martinez says. "Tell them, 'I need for you to not offer me chocolate.' Or 'I need for you to tell me I'm doing great.' Or 'I need you to meet me at the gym every day at 6 a.m.' If you don't verbalize it clearly, they're not going to be able to pick up your cues." Do surround yourself with supportive people. Whether you attend support-group meetings, participate in online chats or call your sister, having a cheerleader can be the difference. Even "imaginary allies" work, says Smith-Martinez. "It could be your Mom or best friend. It could even be Oprah, telling you to live your best life. If you could call on that person, what would they say in a moment of weakness?" I'm not sure if I have an imaginary ally, but I already know what he or she would say: "You don't need the chocolate torte. You don't need the chocolate torte. You don't need the chocolate torte." To find a local life coach, contact the San Antonio Professional Coaches Association at (210) 832-9076 or www.sapca.org. To contact Kimberly Smith-Martinez, call (210) 736-2021 or visit www.drkimlifecoach.com. Claudia Zapata's column appears Mondays in S.A. Life and Thursdays in Conexión. claudiazapata@satx.rr.com |
